YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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