She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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