I just pynch a tree in the face
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just want to make out with him forever
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
