low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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