and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
