he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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