i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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