i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
