I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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