We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
