I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
