I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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