So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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