Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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