FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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