she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
