dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
