i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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