I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
