The best revenge is premature balding
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
