Barsexuality is the new black.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The chlamydia really affected his face.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
