i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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