It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He passed out mid-signature
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
