I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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