my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
