dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
