i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
