dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
