Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
