You're my little dorito
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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