she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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