You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You have to summon your inner elephant
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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