Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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