i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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