You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
