I smell stomach acid.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
