so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
