No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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