I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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