Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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