Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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