is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
