well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize