I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
