grandma shit on top of the toilet
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize