Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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