I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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