hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
