When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
