this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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