i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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