can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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