Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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