Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
