Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
