Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
