i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
