And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
