Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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