Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Semen is not good for contacts.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
