when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
