Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
