Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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