Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
