Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
