Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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