The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
