god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
