you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
