I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
