So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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