pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
