I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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